Once Again
by azamystic
Summary: Harry is trying to work out how he feels about a certain someone's relationship, and runs into feelings he hadn't know he was harboring.


Once Again

Disclaimer: I don't own it, and if I do no one has told me and I'm still not making any money off of it.

A/n: I wrote this such a long time ago, but then I got started on A Weasley Tradition. So, I'm just going to post this now.

He was not jealous, he was not feeling this way, and he most certainly did not get a tight constricted feeling in his chest whenever he saw them together. Because that would make him a bad friend. And Harry knew that he wasn't a bad friend. Or was he?

As much as he would like to deny it, he couldn't any longer. He could fool everyone else, but not himself, not anymore. Because the truth was he _was_ jealous. Not of them, just the time they had that he wasn't a part of. So jealousy wasn't completely accurate. Helplessness, fear, and a sense of impending doom fit a little better. '_Or maybe nausea_' thought Harry with a grim sort of humor as they walked into the common room.

Ron had his hand in Hermione's back pocket, and she had an arm draped across his shoulder. He was nuzzling her neck, and she was giggling lightly. Harry actually felt physically ill.

They hadn't even noticed him yet. And they probably wouldn't. Nope, they walked right past. They were heading roughly in the direction of the boy's dormitories, so Harry made a conscious decision right then and there to get out of Gryffindor Tower. He didn't want to be anywhere near them at the present moment. He'd come back, oh, a few hours later.

He mulled things over in his mind as he wandered the castle, and finally came to a conclusion. This was not supposed to be happening. They were a trio! All equal; Harry + Hermione + Ron happiness and peace. Not Ron + Hermione …Harry didn't know what it equaled. He didn't want to know what it equaled. The only thing he knew was that Harry was not present anywhere in the equation.

A drawling voice interrupted his thoughts. "Where's the other two-thirds Potter? Fooling around in a closet somewhere?"

Harry was surprised at how close Malfoy had actually come to the correct answer. Harry shot him a withering look, but Malfoy didn't seem to notice, or take the hint that now was not the best time to be bothering Harry.

"It won't be much different when they actually get to use the Weasel's bedroom though. I mean, it can't be much bigger than closet can it? That is, granted they're still together by the time they get out of school. That mudblood Granger is such a whore."

'_Damn' _Harry thought. He hadn't brought his wand with him. He had left it on his nightstand, but there was slim chance he was going back to get it. Would Malfoy be able to call his bluff? He put his hand in his pocket, and acted like he was pulling out his wand.

Malfoy watched, eyebrows raised in amusement. He had done a quick scan beforehand to see if Potter had his wand on him. He wouldn't have confronted him without Crabbe or Goyle otherwise. Equal odds were not the kind of odds Malfoy's liked, or looked for in battle.

"Don't think so Potter." He then pulled out his own wand.

"Put it away Draco," came a smooth baritone from behind them that Harry would recognize anywhere. "And twenty points from Slytherin for attempting to duel in the hallways."

Malfoy's mouth fell open in surprise. His head of house had just taken twenty points from them! That was unheard of. He was going to open his mouth to argue, but realized that it was already open. He coloured slightly and a mumbled "yessir" was all that came out, and he slipped away. Snape didn't give Harry a second glance as he too disappeared down the hallway.

Harry's mind was reeling. _'That's it!' _he decided. He was not going to let the day get any weirder. Snape taking points from Malfoy? Strange, no, more than that. It upset the natural order of things. Even more so, it was hilarious. Ron would have a good laugh about this when he told him. Harry's attention was immediately brought back to the current situation. He was once again miserable.

This couldn't end well. If they stayed together, they would be happy, but Harry wouldn't. It wasn't like he wanted them to break up, because that wouldn't end well either, it was more like he wished they had never gotten together. It disrupted the balance of their friendship. Many times Harry had considered telling them how he felt, but he never could get the words right in his mind. If he started out saying that he didn't like seeing them together, Ron would get the wrong idea and jump to conclusions, probably thinking Harry wanted Hermione for himself. He would become extremely overprotective of Hermione, and if Harry tried to spend anytime at all with her he may end up being physically attacked by Ron. If he started out saying they didn't spend any time together anymore, Hermione would jump in and exclaim '_Of course we do Harry!' _

Well, technically, they did spend time 'together.' They'd go places, do things, but to them, Harry was just an annoying little detail at the back of their minds, like a fly buzzing around your head. Occasionally they would include him in a conversation, but mostly they ignored him. He knew they didn't mean to, and was almost positive they didn't even realize they were doing it, but the fact remains that they did.

Harry just couldn't figure out how to word his speech, a speech that he would probably never have the courage to give. That was ironic. A Gryffindor who couldn't find the courage to tell his two best friends how he felt. But no surprise there. His life was just one big ironic mess anyways. Harry Potter, supposed savior of the wizarding world, having to deal with teenage romance. Ridiculous. It wasn't fair. People he had never met and more than likely never would meet knew his name. They loved him or hated him, but they all acknowledged his existence. Now the two people he knew best and cared for most couldn't even do that. Aaaaand, the irony just keeps on coming. If it had been anyone's life but his own he would have found it amusing.

He heard someone call his name. He looked up, and noticed with a start that somehow his legs had carried him outside without having first informed his brain. He was wondering what to do about his body's sudden mutiny when the voice called his name again, and this time he recognized it. Malfoy. God, didn't he know when to drop it?

"Time to finish what we started Potter." Harry rolled his eyes.

"Malfoy, I didn't start _anything, _and I refuse to finish something you started." Couldn't he see Harry just wanted to be left alone?

"Stupefy!" Malfoy shouted. '_Apparently not' _Harry thought, as he nimbly dodged the curse. "Engorgio!" Malfoy fired another one. "Serpensortia!" and another and so on, each time Harry jumping out of the way.

His last dodge had been a kind of pirouette that had landed him directly behind Malfoy. Harry grabbed his wand hand and twisted it behind his back. Malfoy yelped in surprise and pain. Harry lackadaisically pulled his wand out of the tight grasp, and nonchalantly tossed it aside. He then violently shoved Malfoy's arm up, and he started to whimper a bit. The whimper became a continuous shout of pain as Harry continued to push his arm up. When he heard the shouts broken by tears he let him go.

Harry picked the wand up off of the ground and handed it to Draco, who was now cradling is hurt arm. He took it from Harry, hiding his face, and turned to walk away. Harry felt slightly sorry for him. He had just been defeated in a wizard duel by someone who didn't even have a wand. "I won't tell anyone!" Harry called after him. Malfoy made no sign of having heard him.

Harry turned back, and continued walking in the direction he had been. The lake was in front of him now, so he supposed that's where his legs had been taking him. He sighed. _May as well_ he thought. The lake was one of his major distressing hideouts anyways. Once there and situated on his favorite rock he looked around him, just to make sure Malfoy wasn't going to jump out from behind a tree and hex him into oblivion. But Malfoy was gone, and Harry was alone.

And that's when it hit. The realization that now, just when he thought he had finally found people who cared about him, someone who maybe even loved him, he was back in the same situation he had been for the first eleven years of his life. That something he had first realized at the age of seven still held true today. You can be completely surrounded by people, and still be by yourself. You can talk to someone, and they can talk to you, and it won't count as interaction. Once again he had no one there for him. Once again, he was completely and utterly alone.

_fin_

A/n: well, my first attempt to get inside Harry's head. Not that hard, seeing as the stories are told from his POV, but I thought I'd give it a shot anyhow. I kind of got annoyed that I kept seeing fics where Harry was very supportive of Ron and Hermione's relationship. In the sixth book, he kind of had a problem with it, so I just took off from there.

A/n2: well, actually, A/n the third, if you count the one at the beginning. But that's not important. I was going to say, I think I managed to keep everyone in character, except for Snape, but who cares? If you've not read any of my other stories, well, you'll know that that's a big step for me. I'm going to try and keep everyone IC for as long as I can in A Weasley Tradition. Ps. This is Snape's first appearance in any of my stories. ( like you care) Please leave a review!


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